From Baylor University’s web site

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

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The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

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To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

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Q: When
does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.

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Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

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Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

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Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file, and that’s what they did last year.

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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked an “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark………………$1
Knowing where to put it………$49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

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A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke down the door. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he’d been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

1. Wet hair
2. Apply shampoo
3. Lather
4. Rinse
5. Repeat

Now playing: The Crystal Method – Coming Back (The Light’s Southern Grit Mix)